The top regret of the dying

and living a life true to yourself

You can listen to me reading this piece too

The top regret of the dying

The palliative care worker Bronnie Ware tells that the most common regret of the dying is, I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life other people expected of me.

Living a life true to myself: I think I know a good number of good people who will shy away, feeling this is selfish. Let us try a little experiment…

A little experiment

See yourself as a child going into, say, their tenth year. Their personality, preferences and autonomy are developing. We, who love and know them, delight in seeing them enjoy their activities. We have hope for their fulfilment in life.

We hope they will have a good life, one that is true to them. We hope they will flourish in community, contributing well and being honest.

Time out for a moment?

It may be that you were not loved and known in this way. Maybe right now you need to take a moment. We acknowledge that the adults who had care of us were impoverished in various ways. Even if we have worked this through, it can still hurt.

Take a moment.

Ready to read on?

Pride, delight and expectation

On a retreat here this summer, a section of a blessing from John O’Donohue became a refrain woven through the table talk. The perspective is so valuable.

May you learn to see yourself

With the same delight,

Pride, and expectation

With which God sees you in every moment.

Savour that. You are loved and known.

Learning this

You may or may not have faith in a beneficent universe because, of course, there is so much to be cynical about. But as John invokes, may you learn…

Practices such as yoga, prayer and meditation reveal themselves as teachers of this understanding. (These are the practices that have worked for me, you may have others).

And what is this understanding exactly? It is that you are indeed loved, and your job is to love.

Still learning

For myself, I’m definitely still learning to love wholeheartedly. both myself and others.

I get glimpses of delighting in my inner ten-year-old, but I’m still working on clarity on knowing and seeing myself with love, let alone others.

You cannot truly bypass to loving and serving others if you cannot embrace yourself, and be true to yourself. I note that I typed then deleted fully, fully embrace. I do not (yet) really know what fully loving myself and others would look like for me.

Other people’s expectations

So, turning to that second part of Bronnie Ware’s finding, …the life other people expected of me…

A powerful insight came recently from Richard Osman talking about his graduation from Cambridge. His grandfather, who had left school at 14, was at the ceremony. Osman realised, in that moment of graduating, this is absolutely not my story, it’s his story and I finished his story for him. This was said with love and yet it was so poignant an acknowledgement that often in life we are fulfilling something for our parents, indeed grandparents.

In addition, we are acting out internalised beliefs, assumptions and expectations that come from both parental and societal expectations. I remember at a certain point realising it’s not just my family that had shaped my world, but also saw the currents of history and power. There is trauma, hardship, bending to conventions we now understand as deeply flawed, as well as a certain amount of privilege.

As a personal example, and without elaborating, I observe the various components that come from a particular Irish heritage, and a Scottish one too. You will have your own.

A point to grow from

Often it is a point of crisis that forces us to examine all our certainties about who we think we are. As I’ve written elsewhere, Richard Rohr’s Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the two halves of life, is a manifesto and useful workbook for this kind of time. Rohr asserts that this can be, if we choose, a most valuable moment for growth.

A hard time, usually involving loss (link about feeling lost), involves a deconstruction of who we think we are. Life losses prepare for the big loss: the eventual and inevitable loss of life.

Then there is a time of transition, from lost certainties to a new vision.

Inevitably, it is a time to consider what is really fulfilling. What does a fulfilled life look like for me now?

From transition to vision

This is when we might indeed look back, with gentleness and love, to that self of ours going into their tenth year. Here is a post with journalling prompts to support you with this.

What is it of your true nascent self was emerging then? What are your gifts? What is the personality before it got twisted by shoulds? What is your dharma (authentic path in life)? Where will these golden threads go?

Now, the courage to living a life true to yourself comes forward.

Courage

And it is so key that Bonnie Ware cites courage. I wish I’d had the courage…

You might well need outside support with courage. Your friends and family take a long time to see a new you. They tend to be invested in you staying the same because they depend on you. They also depend on the old you for their own identity. If you change, it threatens their sense of self.

Resistance to change is an human and hardwired survival response. It can really take a lot of courage to get over it.

Someone who sees you

I know, from my own personal experience of being coached, and supporting coachees, that we have all the courage and knowledge to transform already. But it is SO helpful to have someone who sees us, who gets us and delights in us. It is more than ok to check in with someone who sees and delights in you. It is worth finding the right person to be alongside as you move into flourishing and fulfilment.

Going into the tenth year

I have been thinking about this milestone a lot! Viveka Gardens, a vision that came out of transition, is nearly nine years old, coming into the tenth year.

This milestone coincides with the rite of passage I have marked for myself: elderhood. Note elder means wise woman, not old woman, though I embrace with curiosity, and I hope grace, my getting older.

I have a vision for the next nine years. I refer back to my ten-year-old girl and forward to my death-investigating seventy-year-old.

How about you?

Has transition or vision resonated with you? Has the thought of not living a life true to yourself made you want to get on now?

Is it easier to stay with an outmoded version of yourself? Probably not. Would everyone else be happier if you stay the same old you? Could be. Would that stop you? I hope not!

I’d love to know if you are in transition or vision phase, and how you are feeling and dealing with it.

So…

Would you like to work with me on your courage for a new vision? A fulfilled life leading to no - or at least fewer - end of life regrets?

Have a look at the new page Visions, on the Viveka Gardens website. There is information on how coaching works, and why I could help you. There are links to retreats and other opportunities too.

If you are at the lost stage, this other piece could help, or go direct to Transitions Coaching.

AND

as of 28.11.25 VG is nine years old! This weekend, to mark going into the tenth year, there will be 10% off everything. The code is in the mailchimp newsletter. It’s a monthly newsletter with up to date news of what’s on and occasional other offers.

Keep in touch and please do like, share and comment if anything here resonated.