Authenticity
awareness, not a resolution
Living authentically might seem like a huge aim. I’ve only found it approachable in the moment, glimpsed from the corner of the eye in flow of life. Or clarity-obvious in the altered (altared) state of still sitting or nidra. It’s a grace from God. Not intend-able, graspable or a resolution.
Authenticity awareness was brought to the fore for me in 2024 and, having turned 60, I see it as a continuing practice for the next decade. If I share some of my experience and reflections, perhaps we’ll find some convergent points for an ongoing conversation.
Are you ok to read on? In this piece I’ll be addressing listening, discernment (aka viveka), and living authentically. And at the end, without wanting to give the big sell, I’ll put some links to my offerings so you can see how my values and aims work out, and if you’d like to participate. You can also not read the end para.
Long-story-short
As some of you know, I resigned from a Church of England clergy post in March. The legal process to become a lay person again takes a while, and in a strange quirk of timing that completed on Christmas eve. I thought there’d be some tangible shrugging off of being ‘under clergy discipline’. But in fact my soul has already received the grace to re-plump itself after contortion to fit.
I take full responsibility for putting myself in a postion that I was not suited for. I feel foolish for not having better self-knowledge in the first place. Kind friends who know have said lots that is comforting; the institution, stangely, said less than nothing. In moving on, one can feel graceless, ungrateful, and shameless/ful…and such a relief. Overall, I feel it is better to have loved and lost, and that failing is learning.
Con-form, con-tort
What I want to emphasise is that, as grown-ups, we expect to compromise our needs and wants for shared goals, needs and aims…for traditions and ways of doing things. To conform, to a certain extent, is to take part: families, marriage, school, workplace, church. Fitting in. It’s part of our biology and survival to work in groups: it is theorised that the reason our brains evolved so large is to compute social living1.
Sometimes, however, we contort ourselves to fit the group/tradition, or there is wrong pressure to fit. We might think we are wrong. We wonder at the folk for whom it seems a good fit. Feeling uncomfortable may become normal, and dis-ease become disease. That wrong pressure may be an abuse of power, from people twisted for reasons perhaps they have no awareness of.
Maybe you have known times where you over-forgot yourself to fit in, or were abusively forced into a wrong shape. I apologise if this is painful and you are coming to terms with it.
Awakening
Awakening can have all sorts of form and pace. Events, cumulations, a word, a look, something understood. Once you have understood, though, there is no going back. Conditioning and the effects of trauma may be seen instantly or slowly; working through certainly takes time (and grace). But definitely that first overwhelm: I cannot fit here. This is first part of the reparation process.
Listening
Noticing, hearing, observing can be facilitated by practices. Yoga practices of stilling through asana and pranayama, meditation and nidra; also Christian practices of meditation and prayer in all its forms. And so, practices become the intent, the resolution, lightly and intelligently held with curiosity and creativity. The grace happens within that, as it will, unbidden. This is the ongoing process.
Discernment
Constantly too will be discernment. Did you know viveka means discernment? I’ve heard and noticed therefore how will I act in the world; is this me and my ego or is this good and from God? Where is God in this? Not to overthink this, but to ask - again those stilling practices for listening. Sometimes (mainly) we have to acknowledge mixed motives or move forward in experimentation.
Action
We make some changes in how we live, what we do with this God-given body and talents. Maybe you know of the Center for Action and Contemplation2. I mention it and Richard Rohr, the founder, often. RR says the most important word in that name is and: acting-listening, listening-acting.
I mentioned vairagya, the pair to viveka, in a previous piece3: put in the effort but don’t hold tight to the results. In faith, we renounce our agency to the Holy Spirit, God’s agent at work among us.
Authenticity
And so at the hinge of the year, I am feeling optimistic and energised in this awareness and partnership with Spirit. I hope you too feel in-spirit-ed, inspired, to grow more authentically into the you God intends you to be, and to do the true and good work only you can do. Growing is a listening, discerning, experimenting, listening again process.
How might we work together on this
My work, through yoga practices and offering hospitality, is to facilitate space for deep rest (shabbath) and flowing peace (shalom), and so an interior understanding of Spirit. I also offer coaching as a way to support inner transformation and action in the world, and spiritual accompaniment alongside others on their path.
day retreats and workshops online and at VG
Message me to start a 1-1 conversation
Thinking Big: How the Evolution of Social Life Shaped the Human Mind, Dunbar, Gamble and Gowlet. The Evolutionary Psychologist Dunbar’s latest book is How Religion Evolved: And Why It Endures
https://substack.com/home/post/p-152956992
One word that came up whilst reading about your disengagement from the Church was “immersion”. You immersed yourself in a world that held resonance for you, and I imagine you did so with a genuine intention of learning and giving. To then move on when the connection no longer felt right seems nothing but healthy to me. Happy new year!